- My family moved from the US to Barcelona six years ago.
- I went from being a helicopter parent to letting my child explore the world independently.
- I went from asking where my kid was to does my kid know where I am?
When I lived in the United States, I was a helicopter mom. At the park, I followed my preschooler like a linebacker, ready to catch him if he fell. If I lost sight of him, I’d panic.
That changed six years ago when my family moved to Barcelona. During our first spring here, we attended a Catalan calçotada, a community gathering where you barbecue green onions.
My son’s friends were climbing a tree. Naturally, my then-5-year-old joined in. Once he reached the top, the local parents started clapping. But they weren’t clapping for my kid. They were clapping for me. For once, I hadn’t intervened. I let my kid be a kid.
This hands-off parenting has endured. Today, my 11-year-old son picks up groceries, plays in the park, and commutes 30 minutes from school — all without adult supervision. But this shift didn’t happen overnight. Spain’s social climate and infrastructure provided us the opportunities to grow.
Independence is fostered from an early age
Restaurants here often have playgrounds or open squares nearby, with outdoor seating so parents can socialize while their kids play. When an American friend asked who watches the kids, I joked, “They run feral.”
In Spain, I don’t ask: “Where’s my kid?” Instead, I ask: “Does my kid know where I am?” The restaurant table is the hub. If my son gets hurt, another child will run and find me. Otherwise, the kids sort issues out by themselves while we sip wine.
Schools here encourage independence early with annual multi-day rural trips for students starting at ages 5 or 6. When my son first went, I was nervous — who would remind him to pee or comfort him at night? I over-prepared, packing labeled outfits, only to find he wore the same clothes for three days. Did he reek? Yes. Did he survive? Also yes.
To be sure, this independence hasn’t turned my son into an angel. He still complains when we ask him to set the table and would happily choose his iPad over park time, but independent actions give him a sense of agency.
Me being overprotective wasn’t helping my kid
Since age 10, he has taken the city train home from school by himself. My American sisters (also moms) are shocked. “How brave,” they told me. But here, it’s normal thanks to supportive infrastructure like the FGC transportation system, which dedicates specific public train carriages to school children during rush hour. After a few months of practice in this train cocoon, he now takes the train alone whenever and wherever he needs it.
“One of the reasons it’s easier in Spain is because the social norm is, obviously, to put your kid on the train,” Lenore Skenazy, president of Let Grow, the nonprofit promoting childhood independence, told Business Insider.
The contrast with the US is striking. Half of the parents of kids ages 9 to 11 won’t even let their children go to another aisle in a supermarket alone, according to a poll by the C.S. Mott Children’s Hospital, and only 33% allow them to walk or bike to a friend’s house alone.
This overprotectiveness leads to learned helplessness. Previously, my son would zone out during our train journeys together. Since he started commuting on his own, he’s become more vigilant. Now, when we travel together, he’s the one making sure we don’t miss our stop.
In the US, there has been an alarming increase in anxiety and depression in children. To combat this, psychologists urge parents to give kids the freedom to roam, explore, and make choices without parental oversight.
“The only thing I’ve seen that changes parents here in America is not statistics,” Skenazy said. “It’s simply seeing their kid has done something without them.”
Skenazy suggests coordinating with schools to adopt the Let Grow Project, a homework assignment that asks kids to do one thing by themselves (from frying an egg to biking solo to school). The children document this on a leaf-shaped paper, which is displayed publicly.
My son’s journey toward independence began with a tree. Collect enough leaves, and soon, your children could have a tree of their own.
