- My upbringing involved some strict discipline, and those memories have stuck with me.
- I don’t begrudge my dad for smacking me as a child, but I’m not disciplining my own kids that way.
- Instead, I’m focusing on communication to foster a positive parent-child relationship.
My childhood was quite an unremarkable one, but there are things that stand out clearly to me, like endless sweaty summers playing barefoot outside, keeping my parents up all night during my yearly birthday sleepover, and watching my dad cook fresh pizza, pasta, and ragù on a Sunday.
That Sunday feast was well-earned after a stifling morning in church, where the air conditioning made no difference, and the rules of the Bible ruled our lives too, also shaping what I remember and how I feel about my upbringing. My parents, my father in particular, took the commandment, “Honor thy father and mother,” incredibly seriously, and this spilled over into how I was disciplined. There was little tolerance for disobedience or backchatting, and being smacked was simply par for the course. But that’s not how I’m disciplining my own boys.
The memories — both good and bad — stick with me
My dad is my hero in a lot of ways, moving from Italy to Australia at the age of just 18 and spending backbreaking years picking fruit and cutting sugar cane by hand to achieve the Australian dream: a stable job, house, and family of his own. And there are many good memories, like the Sunday cooking, as well as bedtime tickle fights, and after dinner Monopoly tournaments. But the smacking does stay with me, unfortunately. I don’t begrudge my dad anything, as it was what he knew about parenting from his own upbringing, but I just don’t want my kids to remember me that way.
I’m doing things differently
With two boisterous boys of my own aged 6 and 2, I can see how in the heat of the moment, being physical feels like the only option. I surely have seen red when there seems to be no stopping the volcano or tsunami of a young boy’s tantrum, where attempts to reason are futile. I can now understand what my dad might have been feeling. But I am trying really hard to do something my parents weren’t able to do, empathize and diffuse.
I have had to dig deep to remind myself that my kids’ actions are not a reflection of how “good” or “bad” they are, but of how they are equipped to process that particular event at that moment. I am no child psychologist or gentle parenting advocate. But when I heard my dad say “That boy needs a good smack on the bottom,” while seeing my oldest in a particularly rebellious moment, I knew that what he needed was the opposite. He needed the chance to be heard, reassured, and feel loved.
Sometimes it’s hard
That is not to say I smother my kids with love even in the most trying times. Far from it. But when it’s clear any amount of rational words are having about as much impact as an umbrella in a hurricane, I have to problem-solve. I have on many occasions slammed the door on my screaming older son to give him some space. It gives me a chance to cool down and move past my own emotions. Then when I re-enter, we’re both in a position to talk, and most importantly, hug it out, while discussing what both of us might do better next time.
This doesn’t work every time we butt heads, but I know it has helped keep us close. On a recent walk in the woods, my older son did not stop talking the entire time, filling my ears with his thoughts on his favorite TV shows, what he thinks he’ll learn at school in the coming weeks, when the Tooth Fairy might come next, and ideas for what we might do on our next vacation.
Sure, my ears were ringing, and I couldn’t wait to sit down with a coffee, alone, when we got home. But I can’t remember ever having a conversation like that with my parents. I hope that walk is one of many good memories of my son’s childhood — memories in which smacking doesn’t play a part.
