- In 2020, my daughter asked me if I would take her to Paris when she turned 13.
- But when she turned 13, she started getting in trouble and pushing the limits.
- I stuck to my agreement, and the trip was what we needed to reset our relationship.
In 2020, when my daughter was 9, right in the heart of the COVID-19 lockdown, she asked if I would take her to Paris when she turned 13.
At the time, she had a new obsession with all things French. I had just left my 15-year marriage and was single for the first time in 20 years. I thought to myself — 13 is four years away, why not say yes, and give my child what they desired?
“Yes,” I said. “I would love that.”
Four years later, she turned 13 and immediately asked, “So, are we going to Paris?”
I couldn’t disappoint her
I panicked. I had just bought a new house, was raising two teenagers as a single mother on one income, and was not financially stable enough to take an international trip. Yet, there was no way I could disappoint her.
“Yes, let’s do it.”
Flash forward to early 2024, I’ve purchased affordable plane tickets to Paris and have begun saving every dollar to afford food and lodging. We planned to go in September after the Paris Olympics closed. Little did I know what the summer was to bring.
I had always been very close with my daughter, but when she turned 13, she shifted almost overnight — my sweet little girl became a disobedient teenager — a cliché, I know.
I had been a difficult teenager myself. I was expelled from Catholic school when I was 13, among other indiscretions. My daughter knew these stories. I was proud of my rebellious youth and worried that it would come back to haunt me.
And it did.
Her behavior wasn’t great
She moved schools in the middle of seventh grade, bored of her small elementary school. Immediately, due to social pressure and the need to belong, she fell in with a popular girl who made questionable life choices. My daughter started smoking marijuana, sneaking out without me knowing, lying, and growing ever more untrustworthy. We fought. We argued. It continued for months.
“You’re so not chill, Mom.”
As the summer wore on and she engaged in more troubling behavior, I wondered if she deserved to go to Paris. It was a privilege to travel to Paris. I struggled with the decision. One day, she even asked me, “Are you going to cancel Paris because of all this?”
I didn’t.
The trip was what we needed
We went to Paris, and she proved to be a mature and adventurous traveler. Knowing little French, she walked into stores by herself, always politely speaking the little French she knew. She encouraged us to rent bikes and ride around the busy Parisian streets, her headphones in one ear and Kendrick Lamar pumping his bass through her body as she passed by the River Seine.
She loved riding the metro, sitting in cafés, trying escargot, sipping Champagne, and watching the Moulin Rouge dancers. She especially loved the middle school French boys outside the skate shop in the Le Marais district. She loved picnics in the park and was awed by Rodin’s sculptures.
The trip was exactly what we needed to change our relationship. I didn’t turn away from my teenage daughter when she challenged me. I didn’t punish her extensively (just enough), but I kept communication open and didn’t take away this trip to Paris just because she broke my trust. I trusted that travel could be a way to strengthen our connection as she grew up and experimented with independence.
Beyond that, she was able to experience the world outside the US, which is hugely beneficial for any teenager. Stepping out of her comfortable life into a foreign country only helped her realize the importance of family and resolved our conflicts as mother and daughter.
The trip changed the way she saw herself, the world, and her peer group and improved our relationship. Upon returning, she stopped smoking pot, ditched the bad friends, and won back my trust. Today, we’re even closer as she approaches another big milestone: high school.
While driving home from school, I asked her, “Why did you want to go to Paris?”
She replied, “I don’t know. I mean, it’s Paris. Who wouldn’t want to go to France?”
She proceeded to reach for the radio dial and turn up Frank Ocean, and I knew we were both thinking about the time we shared in Paris, cuddling under jackets on a cold boat ride down the Seine or gasping at the grandeur of the Louvre’s great ceilings.
