This as-told-to essay is based on a conversation with Arielle Sotiropoulos, a 30-year-old client relationship executive at a professional services company. She’s based in New York City. The following has been edited for length and clarity.
I work in professional services, advising private equity firms and their portfolio companies. I’m part of the private equity-focused business development team, and most days, I’m the only woman in the room.
I’ve been doing this for about eight years, but I haven’t always shown up the way I do now. Part of what I attribute to a lot of my success is the feedback I’ve received.
When I was fresh out of college at my first job, it was a hot summer day, and I wore slacks and a tank top to work. It wasn’t spaghetti strap, but it was maybe a two-inch tank top, and my shoulders were showing. Somebody who I worked with, who was much more senior than me, said, “Hey, Arielle, you can’t wear that. Cover your shoulders.”
I could wear that shirt, but he meant that I wouldn’t go very far if I dressed like that. He didn’t even pull me aside; he said it in passing and kept going. I felt so humiliated, but all I could do was take that feedback and go to the opposite end of the spectrum.
That was the only direct piece of feedback I received about my appearance at work, but I’ve gathered other information from years of working in the industry. I’ve heard comments about female colleagues not putting enough effort into their appearance at work, and it affecting their success.
Once I was in an interview and when the candidate left, the managing director said, “We couldn’t hire her. Did you see her nails?”
I thought the candidate was really qualified, but her nails were rainbow style, with each one a different color. I would have thought it was coachable, but he found it distracting. That’s a piece of feedback that she didn’t have the privilege of hearing and she probably walked away thinking she nailed the interview.
Now I use social media to help people learn about corporate style, particularly women navigating formal male-dominated industries, so they don’t have to go through an interaction like I did, or have someone say it behind their back.
I work in a conservative, high-expectations professional environment where credibility and perception matter a lot, especially early in your career. The advice I share is based on feedback I’ve personally received and changes I’ve made that helped me to be taken seriously, build trust faster, and move up.
I’ve always put a lot of pressure on myself
My role requires technical experience, and it isn’t typically one you would jump right into after graduating. So I’ve always put a lot of pressure on myself to show up in a way that doesn’t give people a reason not to take me seriously.
I couldn’t change the fact that I was the only girl in the room or that I didn’t start off with the same technical experience, but I could change the way I walked into the room.
I used to dye my hair blonde. I decided to go back to brown for a lot of different reasons, but a big piece of it was because I didn’t want any bias attached to my hair color.
When it comes to clothing, I try to look like the guys at the office. Typically, I wear a blazer with slacks. If I’m going into an unfamiliar situation, I wear a black or navy suit. I rarely wear a dress or skirt in those scenarios. If I’m going to the office, I may wear a more colorful suit. I rarely wear jeans, and that’s only on a Friday.
Now that I have more experience, I don’t feel like I need to blend in as much. So I may be more expressive with colors, patterns, or accessories.
I do a full face of makeup every day. I don’t always feel like it, but I feel better if I don’t look tired. It’s one less thing for me to think about.
I don’t want to be remembered by my appearance
A theme in my videos is that you don’t want to be remembered for what you’re wearing. You want to be remembered for what you said.
One of the TikTok workplace trends is the “office siren” trend, where the idea is to show up to work looking sexy, like wearing glasses with messy hair and an unbuttoned shirt. I don’t think this is how women should show up. I want to earn my seat at the table, not get there because somebody wants to look at me.
People argue in the comments of some of my videos about how women are expected to dress a certain way because men put us in a corner.
In my industry, men are in blazers, dress shirts, slacks, and appropriate shoes every day. They’re not crossing any lines either. I think that sometimes having more options can make women feel limited, but I think the expectations are equal.
