This as-told-to essay is based on a conversation with Pam Manfredo Curtis, author of “Origin of a Leader.” It has been edited for length and clarity.
It’s no surprise that we often make choices based on how we were raised. I can see it in my own life: my mom was a school psychologist. I went into psychology, too, and married a man who is also an industrial and organizational psychologist, like me.
In our field, there’s a lot of focus on empathy, tuning in to others, and helping them understand why they show up the way they do. Oftentimes, the answer lies in childhood.
I know that might sound like psychological gobbley gook, or Freudian hogwash. I’ve had clients tell me that. But after working with me, they realize that emotions are data. Leaders and companies can use that data to excel — and that emotional information is becoming more important than ever in the age of AI.
Parents worry about the wrong things
Parents often worry about the little mistakes they make. The moment when you raise your voice, or say the wrong thing, can haunt you. Luckily, those aren’t usually the things that stick with our kids over time.
What matters more is our parenting patterns. Children pay attention to how we build relationships, express love, and deal with conflict. Those teachings will stay with them long into their adulthood and career.
Teaching kids to name emotions is key
I often ask the executives whom I coach how they are feeling. Their response is usually the same: “Fine.”
I sometimes want to yell, “Fine is not an emotion!” Once, I was working with an executive of a well-known company, asking him again and again how he was feeling, and he answered, “Fine. Fine. Fine.” One day, he said “sad,” and I thought “woohoo. There’s something I can work with.”
The greatest executives I work with are able to tune into and name the emotions they’re feeling. They understand why they’re feeling the way they are, and can tell others. This is important data for them and their company — and something that can’t be replicated by AI. Teaching children to recognize their emotions will equip them for the C-suite — or any other career.
Check in with head, heart, and hands
In all my meetings, I typically start by asking people to check in on their heads, hearts, and hands. Your head tells you what you’re thinking. Your heart is about what emotion you’re feeling and why: for example, I feel nervous because I’m not sure what to expect. Your hands represent the physical — time constraints, hunger, or distracting muscle tension.
Sharing what’s in our heads, hands, and hearts builds trust. Once you’ve become vulnerable, there are no hidden agendas. It’s a great practice to do with kids, to help them connect with their emotional state.
Point out strengths — even in challenging situations
The environment in which children are raised shapes them as adults. A person raised in a stable home with high expectations and lots of love will likely become good at nurturing others. Even psychologically complex or traumatic environments can give rise to strength. An abused child who had someone advocate for them often becomes a fierce advocate for others, for example.
Each situation, and how a person responds to it, is unique. I always tried to let my children know what I thought was beautiful about them. I highlighted their strengths and validated their worries while pointing out what I really admired about them.
Giving children agency and helping them feel heard will strengthen their ability to move forward, even in the face of difficult emotions or circumstances.
