When I think of my childhood, I often think of one thing: being an only child. I see myself as a blonde, curly-haired toddler who played alone with her toys. A girl who seemingly got all the attention from her parents and her family, and never, ever had to share. I never thought I’d have siblings — especially because my parents weren’t even together (yes, it’s complicated) and I was already 10 — until one day, when I was sat down to be told, “Hayley, you’re going to be a big sister.”
The only problem? My little sister Hanna and I came to hate each other.
Our age gap caused friction and made it hard to relate
No, I’m not being dramatic. She’d agree we did, too. I’m not sure whether our mutual hatred stemmed from our 10-year age gap, the loss of my ‘only child’ status, or the fact that we’d often antagonize each other for no reason, as children often do, but I’d argue it was a combination of all of the above. Although research shows that large age gaps of 4+ years between siblings are becoming more common than ever, nearly 20 years ago, it wasn’t quite the same.
It’s fair to say that we both felt out of place, freakish for not relating to each other, and lost in our own stages of life. Me: going through early stages of awkward puberty, braces, unsure if I liked boys and girls, and braving middle school. Her: a baby then outgrowing diapers, crawling into a toddler, and screaming at the top of her lungs when she didn’t get what she wanted.
As we grew older, we were still misaligned in our chapters. I was experiencing my first kiss, going to my senior prom, and heading off to college, while she was just turning the age I was when she was born. We fought often and unnecessarily.
It didn’t help that I felt the need to mother her, since our mother was struggling with addiction and ended up not being around at all. While research shows that larger sibling age gaps often lead to less intense rivalry and fewer daily conflicts, because children occupy different social and school stages, it seemed our differences just made us clash even more.
Until, surprisingly to us, the last few years.
Courtesy of Hayley Folk
On a trip, we realized how much our relationship had changed
Over the summer, she, now 21, and I, 31, decided to take a trip to Los Angeles to attend a Buffy the Vampire Slayer convention called Hellmouth Con, together. While we frolicked around Sunnydale High, dressed in our best 90s vintage fits and odes to the characters, connecting over eating our childhood favorites from In-N-Out and arguably the best show of all time, I couldn’t help but think, Wow, we’ve really come a long way. I even said to her, “Hanna, I feel like we’re so much closer now, right?” She agreed.
It could be argued that sharing my love for Buffy a couple of years ago, which she never saw on air because she wasn’t born until 2004, has brought us closer together as sisters. After all, she finally understands my insatiable love for the show, my motherly tendencies toward her, and how we’re basically Buffy and her little sister, Dawn, in real life. Or it could be that our dynamic has shifted from bossy big sister and annoying little sister to my being a mentor, her being my best friend, and us being each other’s confidantes.
Research has also shown that, as they age, large-age-gap siblings often develop mentor-mentee relationships. In the last few years, I’ve been able to not only encourage Hanna to follow her dreams, but also helped her move to New York City — from our small town in Southern California — from our small town in Southern California. I even helped her land a job she loves, and we see each other almost every day.
It could also be that we finally understand where we each were, how we’ve grown, and how we can be there for one another, instead of in constant conflict. I came out as bisexual 10 years ago, so she felt comfortable coming to me when she realized her sexuality. I now see that she felt misunderstood and longed to belong as a child, just as I did. Or maybe our newfound admiration for each other is just the passage of time. After all, age differences never seem as big as we get older, right?
Whatever the reason, I’m just glad we don’t hate each other anymore. In fact, in a lovely turn of events, we love each other more than ever.
