This as-told-to essay is based on a conversation with Barbara Marcanti who is caring for her 102-year-old mother. Marcanti said she has no regrets about how she’s approached caregiving, though she said the work has weighed her down. This interview has been edited for length and clarity.
I was a mom to three children. I was a licensed medical professional, starting as a nurse before transitioning to the business side of medical devices and reimbursement.
My parents were married in 1950, and I’m the third of six children. My father was a blue-collar worker who did heating and air conditioning repair, and he died in 1994. My mom was a homemaker and later went back to work full-time as a bookkeeper at Walgreens.
She retired at 67, then went out on the road. She took care of my brother until he died in his mid-50s. My oldest sister died, which left two brothers who live far away, and my sister, who is working full-time and lives around the corner from my mom.
I retired in September 2023. I’m divorced and traveled extensively for about 22 years globally through my job. I wanted to travel on my own, and I went on a trip to Tahiti. When I got off the plane back to the US and turned my phone on, I learned that my then 100-year-old mom was in the hospital.
My mom was forgetful, but lived alone
My mom had been living alone and was driving. My family would visit at different times, but she was functioning well despite being forgetful. There were times when her laundry would get moldy because she forgot to take it out of the washing machine, or times when we were skeptical about her driving. I’ve done the same, though, and nothing was big enough itself for us to worry.
We believe she got COVID and didn’t know it. She wasn’t able to eat or swallow. She couldn’t get up, so she was taken to the emergency room and was dehydrated and sick.
I went home, packed my suitcase, and drove almost 1,000 miles to her. I had her medical power of attorney and medical knowledge from being a nurse, so I knew that when she told us she was fine, it was just her saying the words. She moved into rehab, and that’s where we all sat down and realized what our options were.
After consulting with my family, we decided that my mom would come live with me. It was no longer feasible for her to live alone. None of us would move to where she was, and my sister couldn’t provide more care than she was already doing on the weekends. We knew we could get full-time caregiving at her house, put her in a nursing home for over $6,000 monthly, or take her to live with one of us.
Her care would’ve cost $20,000
She would’ve run out of money if we had hired 24/7 caregivers, and she would have had to sell her house anyway. We had calculated that for the level of care she needed, it would have cost about $20,000 a month. We weren’t in a financial position to cover those types of expenses.
We decided she would move in with me, which she did in January 2025. One of my brothers was dealing with his wife’s significant health issues, and his mother-in-law lived with them. My other brother had just built a new house that wasn’t built for a 100-year-old.
Barbara Marcanti
I discovered that she wasn’t paying her bills, so I had to take some time to get her caught up. It was all worth it, though, because I firmly believe that if we had left her in her house, she would have died very quickly. She wasn’t leaving the house except on Sundays, and she would sleep until the afternoon, with no routine.
We had promised her years before that we would not put her in a nursing home. She had a significant fear of nursing homes, and we promised her we would do our best to care for her in their home. It would’ve been the last thing we would have done because her mind is very sharp.
She plays high-level card games and can add and subtract. If you asked her what she had to eat for breakfast yesterday, she probably wouldn’t be able to remember, but if you asked her what she had to eat 20 years ago, she would tell you in exquisite detail.
She doesn’t have many health issues anymore. She doesn’t take pills on a daily basis. She had some venous issues in her legs, but since she’s been with me, we’ve gotten them all cleared up. She walks with a walker, which has helped prevent some falls.
She did slip in the shower just after this Memorial Day, and she broke her neck. The emergency room kept her overnight for pain control, and we put her in a brace and took her home. We hired somebody to do physical therapy with her, but I was left to deal with it basically all of my own.
It was hard to find a neurosurgeon to evaluate her after because nobody wanted to touch her, I believe, because of her age. We did find a place that canceled because they didn’t think there was anything they could do. I’ve had to be an advocate because everyone writes her off because of her age.
It’s like having a newborn baby
My mom’s Medicare supplement is $653 a month, and she has a $77 monthly pharmacy premium, which includes a related Medicare penalty. She gets Social Security and a small pension from my father. There are some expenses that are starting to dig outside her monthly income because of soaring costs.
I’ve wanted to give her experiences for as long as she could. I’ve taken her on four cruises over the last two years, and she’s so happy she gets to do that.
I do let her sleep in because she’s a night owl. It feels like I’ve got a newborn baby in the house, where I never get a good night’s sleep because my ear is always open to her. It’s not like I can put her to bed at 10 p.m. and expect her to stay in bed. When I leave the house without her, I feel an immense sense of guilt. That feeling when I went to the grocery store for the first time without my kids, that’s how I feel now.
I let my mom have some independence, and she likes to make her own breakfast and read. I feel, though, that this isn’t my house anymore. I feel guilty saying this, but I’m always doing double housekeeping.
There’s still a lot I want to do on my bucket list. I feel like I’m often passed over by my friends because “Barb’s got to deal with her mom.” I don’t want my mom to be my date every time I go out.
It’s very difficult in a parent-child relationship to all of a sudden become the parent, where your voice takes precedence over theirs. Sometimes we have to go against our parents because we see the bigger picture. I will have absolutely no guilt when the time comes because, no matter how difficult it is, I have done everything in my power to make these last years of her life happy.
