My husband is always trying to grow — as a husband, dad, entrepreneur, and overall good person. Our marriage is by no means perfect, but we’re both always willing to hear each other out, work through challenges together, and troubleshoot solutions.
But when he recently texted me following an argument with his “thoughts and plan” via a ChatGPT thread, I didn’t know how to respond.
His prompt was brief, but honest and straightforward — I’m sometimes short-tempered and end up saying something I shouldn’t. I’ve recognized these six different scenarios as triggers… What are some tips and tricks I can use to not be so short?
I’ve read tons of articles about the “ChatGPT doctor” and, through my PR work supporting both tech companies and behavioral health organizations, have discussed at length the concerns about using AI for things like medical advice or therapy. But that wasn’t what triggered me — it was that he was being given an answer, cutting corners to avoid analyzing personal missteps or thinking about what comes next. Instead, he hit enter and received a 30-day “tone reset plan.”
It just irked me.
The transcript changed my mind
Then I read through the conversation and, once I got past the boosted ego fluff giving him “respect for even asking, as most men just justify it,” I started to see things a bit differently.
Courtesy of the author
First was the psychological breakdown of why he reacts the way he does. Because my husband uses AI for all facets of his life — from personal branding to strategy help for his business to tracking calories— it knows him quite well on a personal level.
It first responded by touching on the fact that because he has overcome heart surgeries, fights as a young adult, and chaos, his nervous system is “wired for intensity,” so his body flips into threat mode, and when that happens, he goes from “thoughtful husband/father to protector/defender in 0.2 seconds.”
The feeling I had while reading that back was reminiscent of those triumphant ‘aha’ lightbulb moments I often get when our therapist goes deep and pulls something from the depths of our history, making a connection I would never have thought of. Those are the moments that make the $150/hour price tag so worth it. Simply put, I hadn’t analyzed his reactions to that extent prior, but it all made sense to me.
And then, ChatGPT told him what his brain hears in that moment—the translated versions of “I’m not being valued”, “I’m losing control”, or “Something bad is about to happen.” When fear takes over, like the potential worry of our child being in danger, that naturally leads to fight or flight mode. That is all logistical, but my focus was particularly sharpened when I thought about the first part of the response about not feeling valued.
Admittedly, that wasn’t the first time the theme was rearing its ugly head, and whether his reaction was warranted or not, it was me who made him feel undermined or overlooked in some way. ChatGPT made me take a good, hard look in the mirror I wasn’t ready for.
The AI-crafted plan
Then it went on to break down the six specific triggers he identified, offering ways to respond in each moment.
For example, when feeling disrespected, a productive way to respond to get clarity and avoid escalating the situation could come by saying: “Hey, that came off a little sharp. What did you mean?”
Following the specific examples and bigger picture view about building calm authority, ChatGPT offered to build him a 30-day plan, “something tactical you can run like you would your short-term rental business.” That one made me chuckle and cringe at the same time — because he is so tactical and loves approaching scenarios as business challenges. It knew exactly how to provide guidance and advice in a way that resonated with him, and he did indeed request the plan.
The “Tone Reset Protocol” was broken into four phases: awareness, replacement, nervous system control, and leadership. The guidance offered a combination of scripts, questions to ask himself, and specific actions to take. We actually talked through these when we sat down to discuss how to move forward.
Giving credit where credit is due
Most men love a solution to a problem. They are fixers. But, like all of us, sometimes it’s hard to know where to start and how to move forward. What I appreciated is that there was an initiative to recognize the problem, look inward to identify root causes, and actually ask for help. That’s a level of thoughtfulness that, whether learned or innate, is worth celebrating.
So maybe it doesn’t matter where growth starts. If a conversation with ChatGPT strengthens my marriage, who am I to argue with that?
