My Partner Moved in With Me and My Adult Daughter, Hard at First | Invesloan.com

I’d been dating my partner for a couple of years before we decided to move in together.

He’d been staying over often, at first for just a night at a time, and then for few-day stretches. One time, he was setting off for work from my house, duffel bag in hand, and I said, “This is stupid. Why don’t you just move in?”

And so he did, but he didn’t just move in with me. My adult daughter lives at home, so “moving in” meant joining both of us.

There have been challenges, but nine years later — with my daughter now 30 — this is still our setup.

We all had to make some compromises when my partner moved in

I got divorced when my daughter was a teenager, and started dating again once she was an adult. Although she had left home for university, she came back to live with me after finishing her studies.

When my partner moved in with the two of us, it was into the home I’d shared with my ex-husband. It didn’t feel right, so we quickly decided to get a place of our own, and the three of us moved into our four-bedroom Edwardian terrace house a few months later.

By this time, my daughter and I had both been pretty set in our routines … like sharing a bathroom. My daughter was used to taking as long as she liked to get ready, but with an extra person, she had to account for three people’s schedules instead of two.

Meanwhile, my partner was clearly used to leaving his things lying around when he lived alone, but now, he was with two women who liked things to be tidy.

If he were moving in with just me, the two of us might have tried to compromise, but he definitely felt some pressure to fit into our world, rather than asking me and my daughter adjusting to suit him.

For me, the biggest compromise I’ve had to make is with my time. My attention was only required by my daughter when I was at home, but now I had to split my time with the two of them, which could be tiring at times. I felt constantly conscious of not leaving either of them out.

Take cooking, as one example. My daughter and I always enjoyed cooking together, so I made sure we kept doing it — to this day, we prepare dinner together almost every evening.

But my partner likes cooking, too, so we made a new habit of making a big breakfast together every weekend.

I’ve had to prioritize alone time with both my partner and my daughter

The biggest problem I’ve found is one that shows up in almost every family and housing dynamic: Cohabitation can be hard, and sometimes we bug each other.

It’s not uncommon for me to feel like I’m in the middle. It’s not that my partner and my daughter argue or don’t get along, but inevitably, there can be tension over who didn’t take out the recycling or who used the last of the milk, and I feel the pull in both directions when there is.

I’ve found that the best way to avoid this is to make sure we all get some space. My daughter and I go on vacation together three times a year, plus day trips, to give my partner time to himself. Meanwhile, my partner and I go out on date nights, leaving my daughter alone.

Even just taking a walk by ourselves when we need air is a good way to get some alone time. We each have our own rooms in the house — my daughter has her own bedroom, and my partner and I both have home offices — which really helps.

We don’t have a traditional family setup, but we’re still a unit

My daughter will always be my little girl in many ways, but she contributes financially to our home and has always split household chores, tasks, and responsibilities with me.

So, when my partner moved in, I had to help him understand that yes, she’s my daughter and I’ll always look out for her — but she’s also an adult, and neither of us expected him to take on a father-like role.

“Talk to her like any other adult,” I remember telling him. “Think of this like a house-share with a friend.” That attitude helped our dynamic click into place and went a long way in helping the two of them build a friendship.

Given my daughter’s age, they were never going to view each other as father and daughter, but they do see each other as family.

When my daughter announced she wanted to watch a bunch of old movies, we immediately decided that every Saturday would be movie night, and it’s become our own little tradition. The three of us go out for dinner together, spend the holidays together, and even take trips together.

Things are always changing in families, but for now, we’re making this work. My daughter is currently saving up enough money to get her own place. In some ways, it will be great to have the space and time to live as a couple, because we never have.

But I’ll also miss living together as the three of us. It might not be the living setup any of us would have chosen, but sharing our home like this has created a bond between the three of us that’s unique and beautiful.