My life was immeasurably changed in December of 2018 when my mom died from a fast-moving cancer. It was the week of Christmas, so I recall the feeling of guilt that I had when I sent an email to my team letting them know that I would be out for a little while. I didn’t want to burden their holiday season with my sad news.
A few weeks later, my return to work was a two-day trip to Chicago to represent my department in some sales meetings. My boss and I had decided it would be an easy re-entry because there was relatively little output that was required on my part.
After the day of meetings, dinner, socializing, and after-dinner drinks, I found myself in the hotel room. On the surface, the day had been a nice departure from the stress of the prior weeks. But it was quiet, I was alone, exhausted, and felt numb. I stepped into the shower and, without warning, the floodgates of emotion burst forth, and I cried harder than I had cried in the weeks and months prior.
I realized that the change of scenery had allowed me to feel all the things I’d been holding on to for the months leading up to and after my mother’s death.
From there, I buried myself in work to hide from the avalanche of emotions.
I distracted myself with work
In the weeks that followed, it didn’t take me long to realize that my perspective on work had changed entirely. It started as apathy. I wanted to care about the things I was doing, but I didn’t have anything in the emotional tank left to give.
But at the same time, I overcommitted to projects and travel assignments. I took on anything that would distract me from the hurt I was feeling deep inside. In 2019, I spent around 150 nights in hotel rooms and took over 100 flights. I was happy on the surface, but beneath the layers, the grief still simmered.
I thought if I just kept my head down at work, then I wouldn’t find myself crying in the shower anymore.
Everything crumbled when my father died
After a couple of years, things finally started to feel good again. Then, in 2023, the first domino fell, and again changed the trajectory of my life. I received a phone call that my mother’s older brother had died. I still remember the feeling in my gut as the flicker of all the emotions I’d put there started to roar back to life.
Courtesy of Matthew Lovell
But it didn’t stop there. Between February and December 2023, I would end up losing five family members, one of whom was my dad.
Any semblance of normalcy, work-life balance, or coping with deep emotions was totally broken by the end of the year.
I tried to bury myself in work again, but I couldn’t get rid of the weight of the anxiety, depression, and grief that was making every day an emotional gauntlet.
By early 2024, I realized that it was no longer sustainable, and I knew I needed to step away from work and give myself space to heal.
The journey forward with a new perspective
I took a 10-week leave of absence, during which I wasn’t filling my days with work or distractions to avoid the pain I was feeling. I was able to focus on family estate matters, spend time outside, and allow myself to ride the roller coaster of emotions as they bubbled up.
I ventured back into work this time knowing that if I wanted to be successful, I needed to take a more sustainable approach. Ironically, my return to work this time also came with a travel assignment. This time around, however, I knew that I’d need to be more intentional with my time and my commitments, and leave space for myself to recharge.
And it worked. I enjoyed the trip, and also enjoyed the downtime we got to share as a team. I was more present with myself and with them.
I’m now trying to face my emotions instead of drowning in work
The following years have brought on their own set of challenges. But now I knew that balancing work and life doesn’t mean using work as an escape from life. It also means setting realistic goals and boundaries for my work commitments.
Sometimes I succeeded, and other times I didn’t, but healing isn’t linear, as they say.
Now, occasionally, I’ll have days when those raw feelings resurface, but I’m grateful that I’m not spending my time at work to avoid them. On this journey, that’s about as close to balanced as you get.
