Dear For Love & Money,
My husband believes we should have six months of spending saved up at all times. I think it’s too much, but I just go along with it.
I try to add money to our high-yield savings because, in my opinion, savings means savings. But he never puts money in — he says he just meant we should have it on hand. I don’t agree with this, because it feels like I’m the only one contributing to our “savings.” What should we do?
Sincerely,
My Money, But Not My Idea
Dear My Money,
How many months of salary should a person have saved in an emergency fund (experts recommend at least three to six months), and whether saving should be an ongoing process or about reaching a certain dollar amount, depends on your goals.
As for your specific case, I’m tempted to weigh in on who I think is right. But I don’t think that’ll actually help your situation. Instead, I want to discuss what seems to be the underlying issue: You and your husband hold different financial planning philosophies and what appears to be an unequal approach to who calls the shots.
You’ve clearly outlined the differences in your financial philosophies. You see savings as a wealth-building tool and, therefore, want to contribute to a high-yield savings account where your money can grow. Your husband sees savings as a means of security, so he doesn’t worry about monthly contributions, only meeting a specific dollar amount he knows he can fall back on in case of emergency.
However, your dilemma is bigger than a disagreement over savings strategy. The real issue is that within this disagreement, your husband is the only one getting his way. He has his six months of savings, and so, as far as he’s concerned, your family is set. But that’s not your preference. Your preferred strategy is for both of you to consistently contribute to a high-yield savings account, something only you’re doing.
The obvious answer here is to compromise. You’ve reached your husband’s savings goal, and now you can both turn your efforts toward your savings goal. But it doesn’t seem like he’s open to doing this because in his mind, your savings have been handled — his way.
I don’t know the inner workings of your relationship, but there seems to be a power imbalance evident in your letter that is worth unpacking, in order to decide how to best communicate your needs. In many relationships, one member of the couple becomes the default leader. For obvious cultural reasons, in heterosexual relationships, this is often the man, but plenty of other factors can play into this for all relationships.
A big one in my marriage is that my husband is an oldest child, and I am a middle child. When things get dicey, I tend to look around for someone else to tell me what to do. My husband, on the other hand, walks into every situation assuming he’s in charge, and if things start sliding south, he alone must fix it.
But I’m an intelligent person with great ideas, too. Relationships work best when both partners work together, play off one another’s strengths, and make decisions as a team — each feeling heard, trusted, and respected.
Intentional and equitable collaboration is crucial to working as a team. For you, that’ll involve telling your husband that your savings strategy is as important to you as those six months of emergency savings are to him. Explain to him why regularly saving is important to the way you want to approach your money in life, and remind him — since you seem to share finances — that someday, you’ll both benefit from the money you’re stashing away.
If he responds by arguing with you over the necessity of those savings, do what I did in this letter and avoid debating the merits of your differing plans. Instead, remind him that you’re an equal partner who deserves to have your opinions valued.
You said in your letter that while you think your husband’s goal is “too much,” you “just go along with it.” Why? Because it’s important to your husband, and extra savings never hurt anyone. Your financial priorities deserve the same respect, even when your husband deems them unnecessary.
And as long as you continue to share finances, respect means more than him simply tolerating your choice to set aside a portion of your check every month; it will require his participation. You’re an adult with good ideas and financial anxieties that you two can tackle as a team. This is the whole point of sharing finances.
If you find that your husband won’t agree to supporting your financial goal of putting away savings regularly, it may be worth having a conversation about potentially keeping some finances separate. Sometimes staying true to your financial style is easier for everyone when it’s personally maintained.
This doesn’t mean you have to scratch the joint account entirely and make savings one person’s responsibility while the other person gets to have all the fun. Instead, you might agree on an equitable amount of income for each of you to keep in your separate accounts. This number should reflect how much money is currently flowing towards discretionary financial goals, split in half.
However you choose to get there, true compromise doesn’t result in a win-lose situation where one person triumphs while the other is left carrying their losing argument alone. True compromise is two people agreeing to concede a little and gain a little — and that’s a win-win.
Rooting for you both,
For Love & Money
Looking for advice on how your savings, debt, or another financial challenge is affecting your relationships? Write to For Love & Money using this Google form.
An earlier version of this article was originally published in January 2024.
