This as-told-to essay is based on a conversation with Dorenne Simonson, 66, who is her granddaughter’s kinship care provider in New Jersey. Simonson has parented her since she was two months old. This interview has been edited for length and clarity.
I’ve always been in a situation where I had to spend whatever I made. There’s no retirement account when you’re single and raise five kids by yourself.
My oldest just turned 42, and my youngest will be 30 this year. I’ve also been a licensed foster parent since I got my granddaughter when she was two months old in 2022.
I taught early literacy in a Head Start-type program for a few years in a second-grade classroom. After that, I started working in healthcare, managing primary care offices, and I’ve done so since 2009.
I work from 8 a.m. until 4:30 p.m. Monday through Friday. It does offer me some flexibility, as there are only the two of us, just myself and the provider. My provider has three young children, so she understands my life more than the average person.
My children understand on some level how big a commitment this is for me, but only one of them has children. They’ve done what they can, but they still have their own lives.
I’m a kinship care provider in the state of New Jersey
I had to become a licensed foster parent in order to take care of my grandchild once she was placed with me through the Division of Child Protection and Permanency. Her mother, my daughter, struggled with her mental health and developed a substance abuse problem during the pandemic. She got pregnant and gave birth to my granddaughter, who went into foster care shortly after she was born.
My granddaughter’s caseworker called me in April 2022, saying they would bring her four days later. I had a little bit of a warning, but not a lot. I was fortunate to have coworkers with young children. They gave me old cribs and changing tables.
Parenting, again, was mindblowing and eye-opening to me
I didn’t have much experience with finding childcare services outside the home. I always worked so I could be home when my children were home, as I worked in a school district.
I was getting an infant who had been exposed to drugs, so she had some medical issues. She was born with neonatal abstinence syndrome, which basically means that she was going through withdrawal.
There were certain things that would trigger her, like a visit with her mom or dad. She would be inconsolable for hours on end, and I would have to hold her, rock her, and swaddle her because she was having a reaction.
Trying to find childcare and medical care was pretty intense at the tail end of the pandemic. My company allowed me to take six weeks off, and I spent a lot of time on the phone trying to make connections to get her into doctors.
I breastfed my five kids, so I had no concept whatsoever of how much formula costs. This was also during the formula shortage. It was $50 a container, and it lasted not even a week. It was also eye-opening for me how much people now pay for diapers. It’s the expenses that you don’t really expect that get me. This is in addition to all of my daily costs.
The state currently helps fund her childcare and her medical care
I’m lucky in that respect, but finding childcare at the tail-end of the pandemic was nearly impossible. I’m already thinking about what will happen when the state no longer funds her childcare, which will happen when she goes to kindergarten full time. I’m going to have to figure out how to pay for either before- or after-school care.
My youngest son lives with me, but he works from 4 p.m. until midnight, so he’s not really around to help out. When I first got my granddaughter, he had a day job, so he was around more, which was a huge help. Now, it’s pretty much on me. I’m just managing on a wing and a prayer right now.
I have to save all of my PTO time for caseworker meetings or in the event she gets sick and, God forbid, I should get sick myself.
My schedule is hectic
I get up at 5:30 to pack her lunch. She’s up at 6:30. I get her dressed and do her hair. I have alarms on my phone that tell me what time it is, so I know where to be and when.
At 7:15, we need to be in the car to get to day care. I get to work at 8, and where I live, traffic can be a nightmare. It might take me an hour and a half to get home or get to work on any given day.
After work, I pick her up at day care, and we drive home. I fix dinner at 6, put her in the bathtub by 6:30, and do our wind-down routine. At 7, we’re reading books, and at 8, she’s in bed. I’m usually awake for a while longer because I don’t know if she’s going to wake up. That’s every single day, and it’s just never-ending.
On weekends, I do laundry, clean, and try to get everything together for the week. I try on Sundays to make as much food as I can, so after work, I could just pull something out of the freezer and pop it in the microwave. I think of her food like medicine and try to feed her very cleanly because I don’t want her to have a ton of preservatives.
We also tried gymnastics, swim lessons, and dance lessons, but it’s really hard to do all of that and still function. I’ve made a real point to save as much of my stipend from New Jersey as I possibly can for her future needs.
I don’t have a life right now
Besides my youngest, all my children live out of state. My life is very carefully planned at this point. I can’t just drop everything and go do things. I used to love going to concerts with friends, but I haven’t been to one in forever. It becomes very isolating.
My plan is to adopt my granddaughter when I can afford to go through the process financially. My mother lived to 87, and she died in an accident, so realistically, I might live longer than that.
I’m hoping I will still be here for her when she’s in college. I feel bad that she won’t have me in her later adult years. My plan is to just keep going full speed ahead and figure it out as we go. I don’t feel like I really have any choice.
