This as-told-to essay is based on a conversation with Rhonda Abbott, 73, who lives in Daphne, Alabama. Abbott adopted her grandson and is now his sole parent. This interview has been edited for length and clarity.
I had three children. When they were young, I stayed at home with them. I used to do medical transcription and taught at the local high school. Then I worked in hospital administration until I retired in 2016.
My oldest child is my grandson’s mother. She had a brain trauma when she was 18 months old due to a high fever, but she’s self-sufficient and takes care of herself.
She was 21 and married when he was born in 2011, but she couldn’t take care of him. I knew that if she had a child, he would be my responsibility, no questions asked. When he came home from the hospital, he came to my house, and he’s been with me ever since.
My youngest child had just graduated from university, and I was expecting my late husband and me to have an empty nest, but I knew this might happen.
My son has three kids and lives in Birmingham. My other daughter has four kids, and she and her husband have been a tremendous help, including my grandson on family trips and just being a great support.
My husband was an attorney, so he filed the papers for us to be my grandson’s legal guardian
Even though I was technically a mother to a minor, my employer didn’t offer me the same understanding I would’ve gotten if I were a younger mother. When he was an infant, I had to leave work to take him to the doctor to get shots and checkups. My company didn’t come right out and say it, but I could tell that they didn’t like that.
My husband died in 2017 from a lengthy illness. I adopted my grandson officially in 2019. When my husband died, my grandson was devastated. He was afraid that if he went to school, I wouldn’t be there when he got home, but we’ve supported and taken care of each other.
I’m working full-time again now
We moved from Birmingham to South Alabama near Mobile in 2016. My daughter lives here, and she graciously said I could work for her as an administrative assistant. She’s at a company providing applied behavior analysis therapy for children with autism.
Every application I filled out, every job interview I tried to go to, they would say I was not qualified or overqualified, and changed their direction. No one would even talk to me, even though I have computer skills and qualifications. They look at your college degree and figure out how old you are.
I would love to be just my daughter’s mother and her children’s grandmother, but I’m also her employee. I’ve tried to find other jobs, but I haven’t been able to. I almost got a job at Walmart, but I cannot stand on concrete floors all day. I know my limits. I get $1,200 from work every two weeks.
I get up at 6 a.m. and get my grandson up to catch the bus. I then drive 30 to 45 minutes to my job each day. I usually leave to go home between 3 and 3:30 p.m.
I meet him at home, and then he gets his homework done, which can take forever. We fix supper, clean the house, and wash and fold clothes in the evenings. Then we get ready for bed at 10:30 p.m.
I worry about finances every day
It’s a constant concern of mine to stretch my money as far as I can. My grandson is sensitive to it because I talk about it so much.
I make a mental note to myself of everything I have to do during the day and what I can take care of on the way to or from work, so I don’t have to buy more gas. Gas has gone up over $1 in the last month. I try to limit myself to one fill-up a week in my car.
Groceries cost so much now, too. Then you don’t have any extra money for anything fun, like a weekend trip. It scares me to death to think about something happening to me and not being able to work and provide him a home.
I have my house payment, which is $1,300 monthly. I usually use my $1,300 monthly Social Security check to pay for my house payment. My car payment is $350. Then I have other utilities, such as my electric bill, which goes to over $200 a month during the summer.
I try to save some money each month, but sometimes, depending on when I get paid, I have to use those savings to make my paycheck last. I’ve sold some furniture and clothes when I needed extra money.
My grandson is 14 now
He’s the love of my life. He’s been so easy and good. He’s so sensitive to my feelings. When I come in, he can tell if I’ve had a good day or if I don’t feel good.
Still, I do get frustrated. He does have trouble paying attention and focusing, and we’ve tried to get him on medication to help with his ADHD, but that didn’t work. He just wants to prove to everybody that he can do things.
I never thought I’d have to do homework, class projects, or field trips again. The parents of the other children look at us and think, “He lives with his grandmother.” It feels like they don’t want to have anything to do with me.
I’m a fairly young 73-year-old
I try to do fun things and be open to everything, but I run into obstacles. We went to a family retreat for parents and their children, and one of the activities was a high ropes course. That was when I was 70, and I did the course. It meant a lot that we got to do that together.
I’m now trying to finish a course in medical coding and billing so I can do it remotely. I can’t keep driving back and forth to get to work. If I could find a remote job, I would save money for gas, and my daughter and I could just be mother-daughter again.
I do feel trapped. I just want people to know that even though I’m not young, I’m his mother, and I’m the only mother he’s ever had. I’m not just his grandmother.
