I’ve been the accidental matriarch of my family since I was a teenager. It started after my dad died right before Christmas when I was 15, and because my mother didn’t want to organize the holidays, I stepped in. Every year, I fell into the same role in our family home, until my first apartment after high school became the center of all family gatherings.
Then, I had kids in my early 20s, and my ex-husband wasn’t interested in the holidays, rarely shopping for gifts or participating in decorations or meals when we were together. I continued to carry the holiday rituals and traditions I grew up loving in my huge, southern family.
This season, I’m doing things differently
Like most working mothers, I’m astoundingly busy during the holidays. I rush and plan, sometimes overdoing it: As a single parent, I’ve always felt I had to create a playful foundation that my kids could carry forward into their adult lives.
This season, the logistics of school closure dates and the parenting plan I have with my ex meant our three children will spend both the Thanksgiving and Christmas holidays with their father for the first time in 17 years. At first, I was nervous. Now, after making it through the first major holiday without an enormous to-do list, I couldn’t be more thrilled.
Learning to let go wasn’t easy. In the wee hours of Thanksgiving Thursday, I jetted to Mexico to walk in the sun and eat molcajete and charred octopus. I had to force myself to travel far enough away so that I would actually release control. It was even more complicated because my kids were recovering from the flu.
While I texted my ex constantly, monitoring their symptoms until they felt better, my cell service wasn’t consistent. He took the kids to the doctor and made decisions about medication without much oversight. When I returned home, my house was a mess, but everyone was safe, healthy, and happy. The world didn’t fall apart in my absence. My children had a great time with their dad.
Courtesy of Asha Dore
After a successful solo Thanksgiving, I booked a trip for Christmas
In the aftermath of that success, I immediately booked a solo getaway for December — and resisted the urge to pull out our tree and decorations from storage. Instead, I bought a $10 Charlie Brown tabletop “tree” at Trader Joe’s, covered it with alebrijes and trinkets I bought in Mexico, and called it a day. My ex is in charge of gift-giving this year, too, so I won’t be spending weeks deal hunting as I prepare for my trip.
Just before Christmas, I plan to travel to Orcas Island alone for a week. It will be the 24th anniversary of my father’s death. I’m looking forward to walking the quiet streets, visiting with the wild turkeys that roam there, and enjoying the beautiful landscapes. I’ll take myself out to dinner and rest by the fireplace in a completely quiet rental, no strenuous task list in sight.
I’m packing books, cozy pajamas, and a box of artifacts from my childhood and my dad’s life — my inspiration as I plan to finalize edits on the book I’ve been working on for years. Usually, I have to cram creative endeavors in between caring for my kids and a demanding day job. It’s hard to believe I’ll have several days to myself, where I can focus on activities entirely of my choice, rather than obligations.
Courtesy of Asha Dore
I’m still going to do something special with my kids the day after Christmas
Even though I’m eschewing the major festive swings this year, I still want to offer my kids something beautiful. Because I’ve given myself permission to experience this season differently, I realized I could share the joy in unexpected ways as well.
The day after Christmas, I’m taking my kids to enjoy their favorite savory treat — steamed clams and crab legs at a mom-and-pop restaurant nearby. They’re so excited about the feast, they don’t seem to mind that they won’t receive a pile of gifts from me.
“Books, socks, and seafood,” I said, when I gave them the lowdown on the way we’re celebrating this year. “YUM!” they all said, looking at Yelp reviews together, talking about all the different shellfish they want to taste, and imagining what daily specials or homemade dessert the restaurant will have on the menu.
My own excitement about my totally solo holiday is growing more every day, as well. I have no idea what it will end up feeling like or meaning to me — but I can’t wait to find out.
