This as-told-to essay is based on a conversation with Kim Izaguirre-Merlos, an ICF Certified Coach and founder of How We Won. It’s been edited for length and clarity.
I’ve been in a caretaking role for most of my life. We lost my dad when I was 11, and my mom had a stroke soon after. As the only girl in a Latino immigrant family, I grew up carrying responsibility early. That early experience of taking care of my family members, coupled with my take-charge personality, has shaped every stage of my life, including my decision not to have children.
I never saw myself on a traditional path
In the town I come from, it’s really common to stay here, fall in love, get married, and start a family. But it was never a path I saw for myself, partially because my upbringing had provided me with very strong lessons about what it takes to raise kids. In high school, when everyone was dating, I remember thinking marriage and kids weren’t interesting to me.
Then, in my mid-20s, I had a spinal injury that left me learning how to walk again. The chronic pain that followed, combined with severe menstrual issues I’d spent years normalizing, made me unsure whether my body could handle pregnancy and birth. I was already living with so much pain that the idea of adding more felt like too big a sacrifice.
Courtesy of Kim Izaguirre-Merlos
I wanted to live a life where I could be there for my immediate family
I didn’t consider motherhood until my mid-30s, when I finally fell in love. For the first time, I considered building a family of my own. But going off to start my own family felt like leaving my family behind in some sense. Then my mom got really sick, and that was the crux moment for me.
I ended my personal relationship, initially telling myself it was because my mom needed me. However, I quickly admitted the truth to myself: Being a mother wasn’t what I wanted for myself. I wanted to live a life where I could be there for my immediate family and their needs, especially my mom. While I could have chosen to rise to the occasion and try to carry this double load like many other women do, I didn’t want to.
Looking at the circumstances and being truly honest with myself showed me that becoming a mother wouldn’t let me show up at my best in this life. For me, being responsible meant making a different decision from starting a traditional family. It meant caring for my current one.
Courtesy of Kim Izaguirre-Merlos
I live with my family because it’s where I’m needed
Later, I learned that my former partner had a child. The amount of relief I felt after learning that told me I had made the right decision for both of us. I knew this person should be a father, and that I couldn’t provide that kind of life for him. I’m so glad he has found his path, and that I’m on mine.
It amazes me the capacity women have to care for their children, and there are times when I don’t fully feel like I’m meeting the measure of a woman in society. But I watched my mom make sacrifices for us, and while I admire her deeply, I know that I couldn’t live that way. Instead, my fulfillment comes from making sure the person who raised me can age with support and love. These days, I live with my mom and family members, not out of financial necessity but because this is where I’m needed and where I feel most fulfilled.
Choosing not to have children isn’t always about not wanting them. Sometimes it’s about opting for a different kind of family, or protecting your health, or recognizing where you’re most needed. While it’s easy to judge women who don’t have kids, we have no idea what experiences in life led to this moment. Even if we are on different paths in life, my hope is that we can all offer each other compassion in our choices.
