This interview is based on a conversation with Laura Burgoyne, 47, of Wayne, New Jersey, who works in commercial real estate. It has been edited for length and clarity.
I believe the best thing you can do for your children is to raise them as independently as possible. That way, when they become adults, they’re more likely to think for themselves, not panic when things go wrong, and to problem-solve.
My daughter, Elizabeth, 17, will be attending college in the fall. I’m not worried in the slightest. I know she’ll be able to stand on her own two feet.
She’s had a lot of freedom and taken on responsibilities throughout her childhood, mostly because I’m a free-range parent who encourages autonomy.
I taught my daughter independence from a young age
I started with the smaller things in kindergarten, like encouraging her to choose products on the grocery store shelves or to help me at the checkout.
She felt good about the level of trust and about being treated like an individual with her own wants and needs.
Elizabeth became more self-reliant over time. At 8, there was a mix-up about when she’d be dropped off at the bus stop in our village after school.
Courtesy of Laura Burgoyne.
I wasn’t there to meet her as usual, but she wasn’t freaked out. Instead, she walked to the customer service desk at a nearby supermarket. She asked if she could use their phone.
There was no fear or panic in her voice when she called me. She waited calmly until I arrived.
She understands finances
I’ve always seen the importance of teaching financial literacy to children from a young age.
So many people don’t carry cash these days and use credit cards; it’s hard for kids to understand the way that money works.
Every week, since she was about 4, I’d make a point of withdrawing cash from the ATM and showing Elizabeth the different bills.
I’d tell her how much we had to spend on groceries, how much we needed for our mortgage and utilities, and how much we put toward fun activities like gymnastics or art class.
Courtesy of Laura Burgoyne.
From the age of 6, Elizabeth did little chores for neighbors and friends, like helping weed the garden or carrying their shopping from the car.
She didn’t know it at the time, but I gave them the dollar in advance that they paid her. It taught her the work ethic.
At 14, she started her first job scooping ice cream. These days, she works as a part-time hostess at a diner. She puts half of her salary into a personal savings account, keeps 40%, and donates the rest to charity.
I’ve taught my daughter the realities of stranger danger
I’m not a helicopter mom, but that doesn’t make me negligent. Elizabeth’s safety comes first, and I stress that she should always be aware of her surroundings.
I’ve told her there’s no such thing as “good strangers” and “bad strangers.” Kids are frightened by that language. It leads to a suspicious, cautious mindset that can make you wary of everybody.
Courtesy of Laura Burgoyne.
Instead, I’ve said that you can talk to adults you don’t know, as long as you never go anywhere with them. She knows she can ask an adult for help if needed.
She also knows that, if an adult asks a child for help or to accompany them somewhere, it’s a huge red flag.
Meanwhile, she has learned to be sociable and friendly among older people. She can hold her own in conversation. People often think she’s older than she is.
We’re not co-dependent
Growing up in the late 80s and early 90s, I played a game with my uncle when he’d get me to navigate in the car. We made a lot of wrong turns, but he would never tell me where I’d gone wrong. Instead, I’d have to figure out how to get us home myself.
It taught me a valuable lesson: to think for yourself and trust your instincts.
I encouraged Elizabeth to try a similar exercise while driving me to an unfamiliar place. She purposely didn’t use GPS.
It took longer than usual — and we got lost a few times — but we got there. Now, Elizabeth is confident she’ll be OK if her GPS fails.
Courtesy of Laura Burgoyne
She set me a challenge in return. I’m a technophobe and rely on Elizabeth to do the electronics at home, such as resetting the router. I bought a new iPhone and asked Elizabeth to set it up for me. I was scared of losing my contacts, photos, and other data.
To my surprise, she said no. She said that I had to work it out for myself. I was shocked at first, then I just got on with it.
I got the phone working and felt quite proud. As she approaches adulthood, Elizabeth takes pride in her independence and abilities, too.
