Dear For Love & Money,
I am wealthy, and my friends always hint about their money problems. When I travel, I don’t tell them, but if they know, they resent it.
It is difficult to deal with people who have no budget or plan for their money. I inherited money and invested it. I also worked and invested. Why can’t they do the same?
I am not a bank. I donate to nonprofits for worthy causes. I am generous. But dealing with friends is difficult. And loaning money is losing the friendship. I don’t know what to do. Please tell me ways to say NO.
Sincerely,
The Friend With Money
Dear Friend With Money,
First off, I want to thank you for writing in. Given the state of the economy, I’m sure you know the general response to your predicament will be a collective groan, so choosing to share your experience and seek advice anyway was a brave thing to do.
Money can be a sensitive topic among friends and even strain relationships. I’ve been on both sides of the issue at different times in my life.
I’ve been the poor friend passively trying to redirect my friend group’s vacation plans to a local winery when everyone else was getting excited about Cancún, and I’ve been the friend with money pretending not to notice a pal’s insinuation that because I make more than they do, I should pick up the tab. Both situations were awkward and unpleasant.
When I was the poor friend, I didn’t know how to tell my richer friends that I couldn’t afford our annual girls’ trip without feeling embarrassed and ashamed. As the friend with money, I was worried my boundaries would end friendships I didn’t want to lose.
Try a little empathy
Having seen both sides, I recognize empathy is the key to maintaining friendships no matter what side of the socioeconomic divide you’re on.
You wrote that you don’t tell your friends about your travels and that when they find out, they resent it. I find myself wondering what that resentment looks like. Are they making angry accusations that you ought to have brought them along for the ride? If so, to be perfectly frank, I don’t think your friends are worth keeping. Or, at the very least, there are deeper-rooted boundaries that need to be set to keep your friendship healthy — we’ll get into that more later.
Or, is it good-natured ribbing with a side of passive aggression, or maybe a more straightforward grumbled “must be nice”? If either of these two options more closely resembles your situation, I think you should try a little empathy.
No one likes snide digs and bitter asides, but your perspective on your friends’ financial straits — and asking why they can’t just “do the same” as what you did — tells me that you’re harboring a lot of resentment of your own.
You were literally born into money — something that isn’t the case for most people. Since then, it sounds like you’ve made several smart financial moves that have increased your wealth, which is great. You don’t have to apologize for either of those things, but to ignore the huge advantage your upbringing gave you and judge your friends, who sound like they may come from different financial backgrounds, for not achieving your level of financial success is disengenuous.
Instead of asking, “Why can’t they do the same thing I did?” try asking yourself, “How would it feel if I had financial struggles to the point of not being able to afford a vacation, and then I saw photos of my rich friend jet-setting across the globe?” If you’re honest, the answer is probably something along the lines of a curled lip and an envious “must be nice.”
These are your friends. You care about them deeply, to the point of stressing over how a wrong move might cost you the relationship. Sometimes they might need to roll their eyes after you mention your vacation to Maui, and mutter something about how long it’s been since they saw the ocean. That doesn’t mean it won’t hurt your feelings, but try to keep their digs in perspective.
That said, one of the best ways to curb their snark is for you to address it head-on. When you have money, and your friends don’t, drawing attention to it may feel like a terrible idea. But as someone who has been the poor friend at times, let me tell you — my friends having more money than I do has never bothered me, but when they pretend they don’t? My aggravation can’t be overstated.
For instance, if your friend says, “Must be nice,” acknowledge the truth of it without rubbing their face in it. Respond in the same off-hand tone they used with a simple, “Yeah, I don’t hate it.” You have money, they don’t. If you want to maintain the friendship, the answer isn’t to tiptoe around this fact, but to accept and acknowledge it for the reality that it is.
Holding your boundaries is important
Ultimately, this situation comes down to your boundaries.
The first step to establishing healthy boundaries is figuring out what you want them to look like. Ask yourself what you need from your friends, but also what you can offer them. Once you have clear answers to these questions, think about what parameters you can erect to cultivate these preferred dynamics.
You mentioned feeling like loaning money means losing the friendship. This feels like a straightforward and perfectly reasonable boundary. You can hold this boundary by being honest and saying something like, “I’m sorry, but I don’t loan money to friends. I’ve seen how easily it can cause misunderstandings and weird power differentials. But, I’d love to help you some other way.”
Having a personal practice for helping your friends is another boundary you can implement that will allow you to acknowledge your financial advantages while supporting them in ways you feel comfortable.
Perhaps you don’t feel like you should have to help your friends out financially, but you could offer your friends investment or budgeting tips, write them reference letters, or help them figure out their finances if they’re feeling overwhelmed.
You could also give to them generously — not as a favor, but in the form of no-strings-attached gifts. For instance, you could surprise your friend who likes to treat you with baked goods with a stand mixer, or a friend who included you in their fantasy league with a ticket to join you at a game. There are plenty of ways to help your friends besides cash loans.
So, there you have it: my permission to stand by your boundaries. Your friends’ lives are their own, your life is your own, and your friendship isn’t a transaction — it’s a connection. That connection does not require you to financially contribute to your friends’ lives, but it does necessitate that you view them and their situations with empathy and, if you feel you have the capacity, think about how you can show up for them in other ways.
Rooting for all of you,
For Love & Money
This article was originally published in June 2022.
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