My partner was my first relationship and first love. I thought he would remain simply “first,” but we’re happily in love nine years later.
Yet, there’s one big milestone that we haven’t reached: our first time living together. Unlike most couples, we’ve never shared a space for more than a few weeks.
People are always shocked when they hear how long we’ve been together. The first question they usually ask is, “Why hasn’t he proposed yet?” Their eyes widen even more when they find out I’m not going home to him.
We feel great about our living dynamic, though: Living apart has helped us maintain the same spark at 27 that we had when we met at 19.
Living apart keeps our relationship exciting
Maya Kokerov
We met in our first year of college, when we both lived on campus but in different accommodations.
When we moved back home at 21, three years into the relationship, we continued living apart for practical reasons. Our goal was to live with our families until we saved up enough money to buy a more permanent home.
At first, I missed my partner a lot, and living with my parents felt a bit claustrophobic. After the initial adjustment, though, I began feeling happier than ever.
My family and I have always been close, but staying with them as adults made us cherish each other even more. The dynamic started to feel great for my romantic relationship, too: We realized that living apart helped us date with more intention.
My partner and I would — and still do — schedule regular dates, prioritizing novelty and adventure. We’d splurge on special nights out each month and meet up for weekly creative activities, like painting and cooking.
Since our time together is limited, even ordinary things like driving home feel sacred. Our independence keeps a steady drip of excitement into our partnership, and we don’t take each other’s presence for granted.
Six years into our relationship, we were almost ready to move in together. Then, my family life abruptly changed, and our circumstances shifted again.
Losing my dad reshaped my priorities
Maya Kokerov
When my dad unexpectedly died four years after I moved back home, I had a new perspective on my choice to live with my parents after college.
I was angry at the world for cutting my time with him short, but my one salvation was all the time that we had spent together. If I had moved out after college, like I originally wanted, I never would have had these extra four years with my dad.
Now, it’s been one year since I lost him. Living with my mom and sister, and leaning on them for support, has been bittersweet but invaluable — even if it means my plans to move in with my partner are once again on the back burner.
We’ll move in together someday, but we’ve learned not to rush cohabitation
Maya Kokerov
Now, I’ve finally saved up enough to buy a home, but I’m still not sure if it’ll be the place I share with my partner.
I’ve developed a different dream — securing a place for my mom and sister. My partner even suggested moving in with us and living as a unit to help us navigate our newfound fear of loss.
Some may say we’re delaying the inevitable, or that we can’t know if we’ll last if we don’t live together.
To that, I always say that cohabiting just doesn’t fit our lives yet. Life is as full of uncertainties as it is short. I found this out the hard way with my father.
Not only are we grateful to have nice places to live with our families as we wait for the right time to move in together, but by letting go of expectations, we’re still in the “honeymoon stage” almost a decade into our relationship.
One day, we plan to live together, get married, and start a family. For now, though, we’re building a partnership that keeps us close to both each other and the people we love.
