No One Taught Me How to Parent a Teenager | Invesloan.com

Suddenly, my daughter is an adult.

I know it’s not really a “sudden” thing. She’s almost 19 years old, but, like most parents say, it feels like it went fast. My daughter is working full time now, saving up for her tertiary studies, and spending most weekends at a friend’s house. She has her own life, her own goals, and her own small bills to pay.

It’s a year of transition for us, and her last year at home before she moves away to do her studies and start her adult life. It all feels a little strange, and I can only hope I’m handling it the right way because no one taught me how to parent a teenager.

There are so many books about raising little kids

We don’t get a lot of guidance about how to parent older teenagers. There are thousands of parenting books and articles about parenting young kids, but not many about the young adult stage. We’re on our own.

I’ve been a very hands-on parent and homeschooled her since she was 6. We have a close relationship, and parenting has taken up a big part of my day. I’ve always been her main support person: the one she goes to first for any problems. I’ve also been the person who handled all the parenting-admin type of tasks, the organising of school work, medical appointments, and after-school activities. For the last few years, I’ve been letting go of some of that responsibility and encouraging her to take on more and more of those tasks herself.

I make her ‘practice’ being an adult

It’s made me realise the importance of supporting our teens to “practice” adulthood. Even something as simple as ringing up the doctor to book an appointment can be a challenge for some young people.

As adults, we take these things for granted. We know the process of booking an appointment and what the receptionist wants us to tell them, but our teens don’t. And Gen Z seems particularly allergic to talking on the phone. My daughter and I have had several conversations prepping her for making phone calls. Just the other day, I sat next to her, prompting her through a call. She wanted to find out information from a course provider she’s looking at training with. She’s become fairly confident on the phone now after a few years of practice, but at the end of the call, I could see she was struggling. She’d introduced herself, asked questions, and gotten all the information she needed, but couldn’t seem to figure out how to politely end the call.

There was a long, awkward pause. “Thank you, bye,” I whispered beside her. “Thank you so much, bye,” she repeated, looking relieved.

There’s so much to teach her still

I’d always thought of teaching my child to drive and cook as being two of the main late-teen parenting tasks, but there are so many more. The list of adult-in-training tasks for the last couple of years has included creating résumés, approaching workplaces and interviewing for jobs, organising vacation time at work, and knowing what to do when you’re sick, dealing with the bank. And because my daughter travelled overseas for five weeks on her own last year, there was an entire collection of travel-related learning, like how to get a passport, flights, and overseas spending money organised. I tried to be very careful about not taking over and doing it for her.

In tiny ways each day, I’m learning to let go.

Letting go while still staying connected is a challenge. Part of me wants to cling to the parent-child relationship we had when she was younger. But I can see how important it is for her to face grown-up challenges and manage her life herself, knowing that I trust her to do it.

I don’t want to influence her big life decisions

Recently, she’s been looking into what studies she might do next year, and I’ve been consciously stepping back in those decisions. “Do you think I’m making the right choice?” she asked me the other day. I held her hand and chose my words carefully. “It’s a really big decision, and I found it stressful too when I was your age. You’re doing really well researching all of it.” I don’t want to influence her decisions about her future. How do I know what’s best for her?

When I was a teen, several adults told me what career path I should take: “Be a teacher, you’re good with kids,” and “A writer isn’t a real job” were two opinions I wish I’d ignored. I can help my daughter explore different options, but I want her to be completely free to make her own choices.

I’ve been trying to stay connected in other ways. She loves picking a TV series to watch with me, snuggled up on the couch when she has a free hour after work. We’re also both foodies and recently went away for our first girls’ retreat together, hunting down some incredible places to eat and relax, which was very special. She’s already planning our next trip away.

While she becomes her own independent person, I’ll keep looking for little ways to stay connected.