My ex-husband and I split up a decade ago when our third child was a baby, and one of the best things about our divorce was finally having my house to myself.
At the time, I never thought we’d share space again. But now, every other weekend, my ex stays in my home with my kids. He cooks them dinner in my kitchen and eats at my dining room table. On Fridays, he walks to the store near my house to by movie-theater candy and sits with my kids for movie night in my living room. On Sundays, they do our weekend chores together.
While I’d prefer to have full reign over my home, his parenting time weekends have helped my kids stay organized and learn to trust him after many years of inconsistent visits.
I moved after our split
When we first separated, it made sense for my ex to come to what was once our shared home to visit his kids. Soon after, the kids and I moved three hours away to Seattle for my job. I drove back once a month and rented a hotel room for my ex’s parenting time — or he drove to Seattle. Over the next couple of years, my ex cancelled his parenting time so often that my two oldest kids stopped asking about him — and my youngest started calling every man he saw “daddy.”
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Then, after months without a visit, my ex husband called to tell me about an epiphany he’d had, causing him to want to re-enter the kids’ lives in a major way. He planned to move to Seattle and wanted to see the kids more consistently. He asked if he could do parenting time at my house again, just until he’d secured stable housing. I agreed.
One of my kids uses a wheelchair and I was worried about accessibility
Our daughter uses a wheelchair, a hearing aid, and a walker. I was concerned about the accessibility of the houses and motels where he slept, and I wanted to create a safe and stable place for my kids to reconnect with their dad without the burden of packing up all their clothes, homework, and gear.
In the last seven years, their dad has been consistent in bursts, though he’s also gone through periods of low contact. Because I’ve allowed him to do his parenting time in my home the whole time, regardless of their dad’s presence, my kids have always had a home-base.
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They always have enough food and clothes, and they never have to worry about leaving their stuff behind. Though my kids have visited my ex husband’s houses and apartments, they’ve never gotten attached to one of his homes only to have it taken from them when he spontaneously moves. Instead, the adults are the ones carrying the burden of going from place to place. When my ex is at my house, I stay with my current partner or travel for work. When I am at my house, he stays with his partner.
It’s great for the kids, but not always easy for me
Sharing my home for parenting time has ultimately been a great experience for my kids, but it hasn’t always been easy for me. Many of the vintage arguments from our marriage have resurfaced — sometimes over and over. When we were married, I was the “handyman” of our house, and that hasn’t changed. The difference is that now that we’re divorced, I’ve had to learn to deal with resentment when my ex breaks something in my home and doesn’t fix it. We also have totally different standards when it comes to cleaning. Having my ex in my space has meant learning to confront those familiar sore spots with renewed boundaries.
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When we were married, boundaries felt like a heavy, interpersonal problem. A decade into coparenting with my ex, they’re more like professional contracts. My therapist tells me that boundaries aren’t about something I want my ex husband to do — they’re about something that I will do as a result of his actions. For example, when I recently came home after his parenting time to find the blinds on one of my windows broken, I offered him options: he could pay for new blinds or install the new blinds when they arrived — plus complete another house project that he could more easily reach than me. I made sure the options I offered really worked for me. He chose the latter, and when he completed it, I felt only appreciation.
We’ve been able to co-parent respectfully
On the journey to a more respectful coparenting relationship, there have been more than a few implosions. There were times I was desperate to have my house to myself or filled with resentment when I came home to a mess. I’m sure he had similar moments of anxiety or frustration living for days at a time in a space that doesn’t belong to him.
Now that my kids are older and becoming more responsible for their stuff, I can see a road to them staying at their dad’s more often. In the meantime, the struggle to face down the strife of our marriage and come together time and again to model a respectful parenting relationship has allowed my ex husband and I to keep a consistent, stable, and caring home for our kids — even if I have to clean a bit extra two Mondays a month to make my home feel like it’s really mine.
